Okay. Confession Time.

As you all know I am an expat, born and raised, and still living in Saudi Arabia. Because of this I have spent much of my life traveling the world…by plane. By my rough estimate I have been on over 200 planes in my lifetime, starting with my first international flight at the age of 6 weeks, 2 around the world journeys before the age of 3, and extensive travel in over 40 countries by the time I was in my 20s. You would think after 200+ plane rides it would be mundane and boring, a fact of life. Not so.

I have a severe fear of flying. Severe. As in nightmares about plane crashes months before I have to fly, hysterical crying at the slightest bit of turbulence, and irrational terror at the mere thought of flying. It is crazy, irrational, absurd, yes, all the things that make a fear a phobia. But it doesn’t make it any less terrifying and life altering just to know it’s not rational. I know, logically, that flying is the safest way to travel, and far safer than driving a car…but no matter how often I remind myself of that it just doesn’t help.

I wasn’t always this way. For most of my life I hopped on and off planes without a care in the world. But about 10 years ago, when I was 18 or so, it all started to change. Slowly, slowly, slight nerves gave way to unsettling fear which gave way to all out blind panic. It isn’t pretty and I wish it weren’t so, but it is.

Yesterday we found out that  Cody has to spend 2 weeks at the end of July/beginning of August in Washington DC on a business trip to sort out visa paperwork and get his Saudi residency. For the past year he has been on a temporary visa which has made day to day life a hassle and getting a permanent visa is not only necessary but will make our life a lot easier….if only it didn’t involve putting the only person on this earth that I’ve ever really loved onto not 1, not 2, but 4 planes. I will be staying here while Cody flies all the way to the states and back. Oh the terror.

As soon as we found out I’ve been crying pretty much non-stop, envisioning the worst, as a worrier like me always does in situations like this. I always predict disaster when it comes to the most mundane facts of life, so you can imagine that I really go overboard when it comes to my biggest phobia of all. Add to that the fact that in our 6 years together we have never spend more than 3 days apart, this is pretty rough. The only thing worse than me having to get on a plane is the man I love having to get on a plane.

Cody is sweet and patient with me, just like he was when we flew from the US to Saudi Arabia and he was left with scars on his arms from my digging fingernails. He is just as wrapped up in me as I am in him, so it will be hard for him to be gone for so long, but he is not scared of flying at all so he sees this as a fun summer holiday. He is looking forward to visiting all of DC’s amazing museums, visiting with our oldest and dearest friend Maris who calls DC her home, and spending a few days with his parents who are going to fly up from Texas to visit with him. For him this is an all-expenses-paid vacation, for me it is sheer, miserable terror.

So. If you all want to help me (and I know you do!) you’ll tell me how ridiculously silly I’m being. Tell me how often you fly, or how often your family members or friends fly. Tell me how fine it always is and how ludicrous I’m being. Seriously. Please tell me. A lot.

When I’m terrified beyond belief the last thing I want to do, or can do, is eat. I have to struggle just to fill my stomach, everything loses its flavor and nothing is appealing to me in the slightest. Here are the meals I nibbled at yesterday.

My usual morning green smoothie was okay. Green. Tasty. Cold. Sweet. My tears only slightly distracted me from its tastiness.

After breakfast I dragged myself to the gym for an hour of cardio which turned more into an hour of me trying not to have a full blown panic attack at the gym. Lovely.

When I came home for lunch this last thing I wanted to do was eat, but when I don’t eat I end up feeling even worse. So I spent an hour picking over this gorgeous and very tasty burrito and salad lunch –

It looks delicious and it was delicious, it just took all of my determination to finish it all even though this is my favorite kind of lunch. What you see is a spinach tortilla filled with vegan butter, Amy’s refried black beans, a batch of brown rice I made that is filled with onions, bell peppers, and garlic. I topped it all with sliced avocado and hot sauce. The salad is a mix of baby spinach, lettuce, carrots, cucumbers, a dollop of homemade hummus and balsamic olive oil dressing.

I wish I could say that I felt better as the day wore on, but it was the exact opposite. As the sun dipped towards the horizon and the day wound down everything seemed even worse. Yes, there were more tears. Yes, I know how ridiculous my phobia is, that is why it is a phobia. It doesn’t make sense, logically I know it’s ridiculous, but like I said, it feels real to me.

So, amidst the tears and sobs I could not even think of eating something for dinner. Cody made me a tasty juice and convinced me to drink it, but that was all I could stomach.

That lovely juice had lots of celery, cucumbers, carrots, apples, ginger and mint. It was not enough for dinner, I know, but this blog is nothing if not honest and that is all I could manage last night.

So far today I’m doing a bit better, I feel all cried and panicked out. I just can’t believe that someone like me who has flown several times a year for every year of my life is this terrified of planes. It is ludicrous. Go ahead, laugh at me, hopefully it will make me feel better!

***

The TofuXpress giveaway was a big hit and the lucky, randomly selected winner is….Jessie from Bites and Pieces! Congratulations Jessie! Contact me with your address and we’ll have your TofuXpress to you in no time. Thanks again to TofuXpress for their generosity.